Standing In

ÒTwo great things you can give your children: one is roots, the other is wings.Ó

Ñ Hodding Carter Jr.

Ten days from today and counting. Arielle, my just-graduated Davis High School senior, is going away to college … 3,000 miles from California to the frozen tundra of Boston. My stomach flutters as I take a conscious breath and observe the experience.

I remember a similar feeling 19 years ago when she was first moving in my womb. Once again, my courageous girl moves out of the womb from her life as a teenager into her life as a college student.

Her roots grew deep and spread far, surrounded by the extensive opportunities in our town during the past five years when we moved from Contra Costa County to Davis. The Davis Joint Unified School District offered excellent fertilizer for her to explore music, theater and academics. Davis provides rich and rare soil for nurturing childrenÕs roots.

We are grateful to all her teachers, who consistently watered her emerging artistic soul, and taught her to excel academically in a challenging environment of support. Now she is headed for the Berklee College of Music in Boston, having received an annual merit scholarship toward tuition, as she pursues her dream of vocal performance.

And here I stay.

WeÕve done the first part well. Now itÕs on to the wings. I hear other mothersÕ worry and concern, ÒDid I teach my daughter enough about living in the world on her own? I never taught her how to sew!Ó one mom laments. ÒWill my son have the skill set to take good care of himself? Will he find friends, do well in school and remember to bring an umbrella in the rain?Ó

Mothering is a long, intense and rewarding gig. Our role changes as we become adult parents to our adult children. We move toward respecting and honoring their own decisions for their own lives.

Time is up for us to teach anything else before they leave. They are no longer interested in flying lessons. My internal daily mantra is to refrain from asking a question or making a suggestion that may be perceived as telling my daughter what to do. She reminds me she is 18 years old, not 8. I am cautious about speaking my worries out loud. Giving voice to passing thoughts might damage her wings and interfere with her full solo expression.

Kahlil Gibran, in his famous book ÒThe Prophet,Ó tells us the true meaning of parenting our children:

Your Children are not Your Children

They are the sons and daughters of lifeÕs longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Our initial work is done. ItÕs not about letting our children fly É itÕs about us getting out of their way, seeing they are strong, kind, capable and bright and honoring them as emerging adults who are committed to their own journeys. Now is the moment to acknowledge their courage for flying. Now is the moment we have the privilege of watching how beautiful they look in flight.

My friends are also experiencing kids leaving their nests. I cringe at the term empty nest É as if life is now a barren void that requires filling. To coin new terminology, the idea of Òspacious nestingÓ provides more breathing room for me. There is space to reconnect with ourselves and loved ones; to explore new possibilities, discover new friendships and make new contributions to our community.

Arielle is ready. She has more than enough of all that she needs, to be all she can be and live all of her dreams. So do we. Yes, there will be more space in our home É and I already miss her singing.

Ñ Aimee Deem is a life coach in Davis and her Òspacious nestÓ includes husband Don and two cats.

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