Sunday, August 31, 2014
YOLO COUNTY NEWS
99 CENTS

‘Delivery Man’: Return to sender

DELIVERY MAN

As the newly pregnant Emma (Cobie Smulders) watches the uncontrolled little children at a neighborhood park, lamenting that she hasn’t the faintest notion of how to become a mother, David (Vince Vaughn) insists that she’ll be the perfect parent. He should know, given the rather massive secret that he can’t bring himself to share with her. Courtesy photo

By
From page A7 | November 22, 2013 |

“Delivery Man”

Two stars

Starring: Vince Vaughn, Chris Pratt, Cobie Smulders, Andrzej Blumenfeld, Bobby Moynihan, Simon Delaney, Adam Chanler-Berat

Rating: PG-13, for thematic elements, sexual content, drug use, profanity and brief violence

Truly clumsy script derails listless light comedy

By Derrick Bang
Enterprise film critic

In a case that was argued before a Kansas judge just a few weeks ago — having wound its way through the court system for roughly a year — sperm donor William Marotta is fighting an order by the state that he pay child support for a little girl he “fathered” four years ago.

Marotta responded to a Craigslist ad placed by two women back in 2009; the three drew up a contract that absolved him of any responsibility to or for the child. The same-sex couple subsequently split up, which forced the custodial parent — Jennifer Schreiner — to obtain $6,000 in public assistance, to help pay her family expenses.

Kansas state law requires that a licensed doctor perform artificial insemination. Seizing a legal loophole because — wait for it — Schreiner and then-partner Angela Bauer used a catheter and syringe, with no doctor present, the state filed suit and thus far has spent well in excess of $6,000 to recover this sum from Marotta. Hovering in the wings, as Marotta’s attorney suggests, is the certainty that conservative Kansas lawmakers — the state approved a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in 2005 — are using this case to reaffirm their position on “family values.”

I’ve absolutely no doubt that an incisive, scathingly satirical film could be made from this bizarre scenario, and it would have been far funnier, and much more satisfying, than Ken Scott’s “Delivery Man.”

This Vince Vaughn vehicle has been re-shaped somewhat from the 2011 Canadian dramedy “Starbuck,” which Scott also directed and co-wrote with Martin Petit. I’ve not seen “Starbuck,” and therefore cannot comment on its merits. But I suspect it’s far more entertaining than “Delivery Man,” which can’t decide what it wants to be, when it grows up.

Part typical Vince Vaughn comedy, part inept social commentary, part feel-good fantasy, Scott’s remake (scripted without Petit’s participation) succeeds at being none of the above. The execution is clumsy, the script is littered with plot holes and overlooked details, and — by far the worst problem — Vaughn doesn’t seem to have any idea how to play this material.

His signature defensive, bull-in-a-china-shop belligerence doesn’t work, and he’s equally uncomfortable with the sloppy sentimentality that virtually drowns this script.

Vaughn stars as David Wozniak, a delivery driver for a family meat company owned and operated with his father (Andrzej Blumenfeld) and two brothers (Bobby Moynihan and Simon Delaney). David is something of a good-hearted unfinished soul, content to exist in a state of perpetual mediocrity, much to the dismay of longtime girlfriend Emma (Cobie Smulders).

She’s so disappointed in him, that her announcement of pregnancy is followed immediately by a forlorn insistence that she’ll handle this on her own, since he obviously isn’t mature enough to cope with the news.

David’s also in hock to loan-shark types to the tune of $80,000, for reasons never made clear. (He does not, for example, appear to have a gambling problem.)

David’s life-changing event arrives in the form of a rather formal gentleman who rather informally breaks into his apartment, in order to share some news. Seems that, back in the day, David was a rather aggressive client at a sperm-donation clinic, carefully employing the nom de dad of “Starbuck.” For bizarre reasons also inadequately explained, the clinic was particularly delighted by his, ah, genetic characteristics, and made ample use of his deposits.

The breaking-news result: David is the biological father of 533 children. And 142 of them have joined in a class-action lawsuit to learn his identify.

The idiotic plot contrivances escalate when David asks lawyer buddy Brett (Chris Pratt) to defend this suit, the latter sends our hero home with a thick folder containing photos and profiles of the 142 offspring, with orders “not to open it.”

Uh … then why risk the temptation by giving it to him at all?

The ball-bearing sound one heard at that moment, during Tuesday evening’s preview screening, resulted from everybody’s eyes rolling noisily in their sockets.

Naturally, David disobeys. Over the course of the next few … days? weeks? months? … he systematically reads and then locates one randomly selected offspring at a time, all of whom quite remarkably live and work within shouting distance of the Wozniak meat market. (Remember, David is selecting them at random. They could — should — be scattered across the entire country.)

As he insinuates himself, casually or rather bluntly, into so many lives, David decides that becoming a de facto guardian angel would be the “right thing to do.” Brett naturally disagrees, since he’s struggling to find a legal basis for preserving his best friend’s donor anonymity, which David clearly is risking with all these public appearances.

Somehow, despite all the time he’s now spending with an ever-expanding pool of biological offspring, David still manages to fulfill his responsibilities to the family meat market.

Or, at least, his father and brothers never complain. Because the script says they’re not supposed to.

OK, yes, this save-the-world-one-damaged-soul-at-a-time template has merit, as has been demonstrated by TV shows such as “My Name Is Earl” and “The 4400.” And “Warehouse 13.” And vintage shows such as “The Millionaire” and “The Fugitive.” And … hmm. (Make that “overused template.)

But Scott doesn’t pursue this pattern for long, because David’s fifth (sixth? 15th?) “subject” turns out to be a developmentally disabled young man, unable to communicate in any fashion, who is stuck in an institution. (One therefore wonders how this young fellow was able to join the class-action suit.) And even though this hiccup is handled with sensitivity, the film’s hitherto larkish tone takes a rather heartbreaking tumble, from which it never recovers.

An off-camera assault on David’s sweet, gentle father, by the aforementioned loan-shark thugs, also doesn’t help.

As this ill-conceived narrative lurches and stumbles from one nonsensical encounter to another, however, one burning question looms ever larger: Where the hell are all the mothers? Not one of these 142 “lost souls” is shown to have a parent: foster, step- or biological. It’s as if each is the product of immaculate donor conception.

What does Scott have against mothers? Why is David’s mother long deceased? Why must Brett be a single father raising four cute but eccentric small children, two of whom prefer to sleep in the backyard sandbox? Is this to reinforce Emma’s status as the pluperfect “proper” mother-to-be?

I could go on, but why bother? Scott builds his film to an emotionally squishy climax that is preordained, not by any semblance of plot logic, but solely because it’s the necessary happy outcome.

Pratt is mildly funny as the eternally put-upon Brett, and Smulders — well recognized from TV’s “How I Met Your Mother” — delivers a level of sincerity that this film hardly deserves. It also doesn’t deserve an actor of Blumenfeld’s stature; in a few quick scenes, he blows everybody else off the screen.

Vaughn, sadly, can’t begin to hold things together. His performance is as unfocused as his character’s behavior, but I doubt that anybody could save this charmless script.

This premature delivery should have gestated for a lot longer. Like, several years.

— Read more of Derrick Bang’s film criticism at http://derrickbang.blogspot.com. Comment on this review at www.davisenterprise.com

Comments

comments

.

News

 
Davis audience hears from civil-rights hero

By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Legislators wrap up with water, ethics, guns bills

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2 | Gallery

 
Bob Dunning: This new kid might have a future

By Bob Dunning | From Page: A2

Five U.S. airstrikes target Islamic State fighters

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
EU threatens Russia with more sanctions

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

Robbery, pursuit in Central Davis lead to one arrest

By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: A3

 
Rotary clubs offer Davis High students some life lessons

By Evan Arnold-Gordon | From Page: A3 | Gallery

Bean Feed supports for Yolo Democrats’ activities

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4 | Gallery

 
Bauer garden marks one year

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4

 
Dinner will raise funds to help farmers in Burkina Faso

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Walkers welcome to join Sierra Club outings

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

 
Beamer Park featured at Stroll Through History

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Yolo Federal to hold photo contest

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

 
Katehi will speak at Chamber’s community luncheon

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Tuleyome Tales: Be safe on wilderness trails

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5 | Gallery

 
Small wineries suffer big losses in quake

By San Francisco Chronicle | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Grande site has been a convoluted saga

By Jeff Hudson | From Page: A7

 
Say goodbye to summer with a ‘Final Blast’ at Explorit

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9 | Gallery

 
Bay Bridge project’s rainy-day money is nearly gone

By San Francisco Chronicle | From Page: A15 | Gallery

.

Forum

Already made herself at home

By Creators Syndicate | From Page: B5

 
Nate Beeler cartoon

By Debbie Davis | From Page: A10

Changing local election dates benefits Democrats

By Tom Elias | From Page: A10

 
Ad-free email? You can still find it at Davis Community Network

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A10

Keep our green waste piles

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A10

 
How to make a good living

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A10

City panel working to tighten scrutiny of taxpayer dollars

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A11

 
Try round-robin storytelling at crafts fair

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A11

Speak out

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A11

 
Health problems mean he’s checked out

By Creators Syndicate | From Page: A14

Marriage doesn’t mean we agree on everything

By Marion Franck | From Page: A14

 
This epidemic should scare us

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A14

.

Sports

Stanford scores early, often in opener versus UCD

By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
New coach, new tougher league for DHS football

By Thomas Oide | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Coach likes what she sees from Devil field hockey squad

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
UCD notebook: Coaches positive about FCS schools ‘playing up’

By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

Devils open with an impressive volleyball victory

By Spencer Ault | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Sports briefs: Aggie harriers secure season-opening sweep

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B2 | Gallery

Baseball roundup: Cats win late to pull even with Aces

By Staff and wire reports | From Page: B8

 
.

Features

.

Arts

.

Business

Sutter Davis Hospital honored again as a ‘best place to work’

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A13

 
Comings and Goings: Is fro-yo craze melting?

By Wendy Weitzel | From Page: A13 | Gallery

Engage3 attracts investment for shopping app

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A20

 
California growers can use MBI’s new bioinsecticide

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A20

Sudwerk, Davis Food Co-op join for ‘co-hop-eration’ brew

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A20 | Gallery

 
Community pools its purchasing power to reduce the cost of solar

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A20

.

Obituaries

Wanda P. Daley

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4

 
.

Comics

Comics: Sunday, August 31, 2014

By Creator | From Page: B8