My life is perfect. I don’t have a care in the world.
I never make mistakes, argue with friends, fight with family, yell at the dogs, slam doors, throw things, bend the truth, withhold affection, try to manipulate others, have regrets, get irritated at the mailman, tailgate, gesture at bad drivers, hold grudges, resent upright toilet seats, smell bad, drink too much, watch trashy television, gossip, read tabloids, make fun of people, say bad words, spend more than I should or eat what I shouldn’t.
I don’t complain about bad weather, bad news, long lines, doing dishes, folding laundry, spilling red wine on white pants, home repairs, eight-hour service windows, crappy people, call centers, AT&T, PG&E, Comcast, the Davis Joint Unified School District, the City of Davis, Yolo County, the State of California, the federal government, the National Transportation Safety Board, speed limits, road conditions, library hours, computer “upgrades,” health insurance or taxes.
I never fret about small parties, big parties, not being invited, formal meetings, public speaking, class reunions, bad hair days, wardrobe malfunctions, growing older, looking older, using public restrooms, breaking nails, parallel parking, pissing people off, hitting the garbage can with my car, being dissed by my teenager, having my byline photo omitted from the online version of The Davis Enterprise or making a fool of myself.
I never feel jealous, hurt, frustrated, impatient, useless, forgetful, scared, angry, malevolent, bored, boring, uncertain, sad, regretful, lonely, self-righteous, self-centered, inadequate, intolerant or shame.
I don’t worry about change, getting sick, house fires, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, suicide bombers, global warming, airplane crashes, spiders, snakes, electrocution, Republican conventions, the economy or harm of any kind befalling my loved ones.
I always live in the moment, sniff flowers, pay compliments, acknowledge birthdays, help those in need, perpetrate humility, make good decisions and have no dark secrets, whatsoever.
Perfect are my meals, my wardrobe, my home, my cupboards, my marriage, my schedule, my moods, my column, my holidays, my vacations and, as I’ve mentioned, my life.
Just ask my family. They’ll say I’m incomparable as a wife/mother/sister/daughter.
So, for the fortunate few who are just like me, I have one piece of advice:
Please call Varda Topkis, LCSW, at (530) 756-6271 for individual or family counseling (or a recommendation).
How would I know?
Did I mention I’m undeniably well-adjusted?
— Heidy Kellison lives and shops in Davis. Her column appears monthly. Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.