Sunday, March 1, 2015
YOLO COUNTY NEWS
99 CENTS

Bring back my pink bike and no one gets hurt

DebraDeAngeloW

By
From page A11 | March 30, 2014 |

Somewhere out there, someone’s riding a bike that doesn’t belong to her. It’s a ratty old faded flamingo-pink ladies’ Schwinn beach cruiser, with tattered pink and white streamers at the ends of the handlebars. One side was down to stubble and a few streamers dangling down.

On the chain guard, it says “Cruiser,” and sort of still does on the frame, where it’s not peeled off. The paint is chipped and smeared with grease around the gears and wheel hubs, and the wheels are sprinkled with rust. Ditto for the white metal cage basket on the handlebars.

It’s a junker, all right. And I want it back.

Nearly six months ago, someone swiped my beloved old bike right off my front porch while we were sleeping. Pretty bold to steal something while the owners are at home, and underneath motion-sensor porch lights, no less. That’s a little too much confidence for comfort.

And no, I didn’t leave it unlocked, but it was only locked through the back wheel to itself, not to anything else. I was informed after the bikenapping that a bike locked this way can simply be lifted up onto the front wheel and pushed away. Ironically, some folks teased me about locking that bike at all — who would want it? It’s not the kind of bike some baby gangsta would want to spray paint matte black and trick out like a low-rider. It’s a completely uncool bike, perfectly suited for completely uncool me, and curses to the one who snatched it from my front porch.

No, really. Curses. May the hand you used to steal my bike be slammed in a car door, with each slender metacarpal snapped like a dry twig. May it cause you agony every time that hand is tempted to grab something that doesn’t belong to you.

Besides my bike, the thief made off with my pink and black bike helmet — one of those slick ones like real cyclists in tight shorts and funny shoes wear. And the head now in that helmet? May it be infested with head lice — the ones that are immune to pink lotion from the drug store.

Sadly, I’m not alone in my crime victimhood. Big bike crime in small town Winters is all over our police reports lately, and ditto for property crimes. If it’s on a front porch, it’s gone. And sometimes even from inside the house too. We’re starting to see major burglaries here, where thieves help themselves to everything from jewelry to computers. Plenty of crimes. But no arrests.

Somebody has figured out that Winters is easy pickings, and they have a routine. This is my theory: thieves sweep into town during the night and post their haul on Craigslist by sunrise. Here was my clue: The day after my bike was stolen, I found several similar ones on Craigslist in both the Sacramento and the Bay Area. Some were clearly legit, but there were others with no photos, for as little as $10. The sellers claimed they needed quick gas money.

Right.

I called our police chief and informed him that I think I know what’s going on with all the bike thefts in town, and all he needed to do was to send some undercover officers to purchase a few $10 gas-money bikes, and bingo: a rat’s nest of thieves. The chief responded that Winters doesn’t have enough officers to do undercover work. OK, fair enough, but surely you have some law enforcement pals in bigger cities who do. And let’s think outside the box here — bust the bike thieves and I guaran-dang-tee you that their “gas money” is used to buy drugs. Find the bikes, find the drugs. Boom. That should be worth an undercover Craigslist housecall or two.

In the meantime, here in Winters, let’s start “Operation Slimy Bastard.” Here’s how it goes down, Chief: Citizens would install hidden video cameras on their porches, trained at just the right angle to record faces and getaway vehicles at the curb. We’d get unclaimed bikes from the police department and leave them out on our porches as bait. Then, when the thieves slink up in the night, the heist is on tape. Roll the “Bad Boys, Bad Boys” song and round ‘em up.

He chuckled at me!

No, Chief, I’m totally serious. And this plan’s not nearly as drastic as my other one: I leave a bike out on the porch as bait. However, that bike is hotwired. If someone touches it, he’s jolted with about 10 gazillion watts or volts or whatevers, and he flies up frozen into the air with his skeleton showing through like an electro-shocked cartoon character, and then sprinkles to the ground in a pile of charred criminal crisp.

“Aww, but what if it’s some little kid,” the chief protested.

“Not my problem,” I replied. “And, I’d be doing society and you a favor by keeping the little thief from growing up to become a big thief. It’s called natural selection.”

He wasn’t chuckling anymore.

Sheesh, if he didn’t like that plan, he’s going to hate my other to-catch-a-thief scenario, which involves laser-triggered machine guns and catapult bamboo poles with metal spikes on the ends, hidden right there under the front porch lilies. Touch my bike, bam. A mousetrap of human Swiss cheese. I just need to work out the potential collateral damage from ricocheting bullets issue (oops, sorry neighbors, I know you liked that dog), and I’ll be good to go.

Yes, I can envision this. You see, I’m infuriated that someone’s out there, riding my bike, while I’m stuck with my crappy old green one. Fury inspires creativity. So, just bring my bike back, no questions asked, and I’ll feel a little less creative, and I’ll go back to ragging on Republicans. And if you happen to notice an old green bike on my front porch, touch it at your own risk. You have been warned.

Comments

comments

Debra DeAngelo

  • Recent Posts

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this newspaper and receive notifications of new articles by email.

  • .

    News

    Sheriff: Mother ‘sole person responsible’ for infant’s death

    By Lauren Keene | From Page: A1 | Gallery

     
    Rifle Team has a blast with competitive shooting

    By Savannah Holmes | From Page: A1 | Gallery

    Child abduction case in jury’s hands

    By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: A1

     
    Pipeline project will soften water in 2016

    By Dave Ryan | From Page: A1

    Pig out at Farmers Market’s Pig Day

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A1

     
    Christie to Republicans: No rush to pick 2016 nominee

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

    Bob Dunning: Colon prep can be hard to swallow

    By Bob Dunning | From Page: A2

     
    Scouts help fill STEAC’s pantry

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A2

    Weekend storm drops snow, rain, hail in California

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

     
    Still no parole in toddler case

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    City offers wetlands tour

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A3 | Gallery

     
    Parole denied in 1987 killing spree

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    Explore Asia at Arboretum storytime

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

     
    MU Games closing in late March

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A3

    Assault awareness campaign kicks off

    By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: A4

     
    UCD student with meningococcal disease is recovering

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4

    Young patients bond with special stuffies

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4 | Gallery

     
    Diversity theater group continues creativity workshops

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4

    Radio talk show moves to Mondays

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

     
    UCD student panel to cover anti-Semitism, Islamophobia

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

    Yolo Food Bank hosts thank-you breakfast on Pig Day

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9

     
    .

    Forum

    Milt Priggee cartoon

    By Debbie Davis | From Page: B4

     
    Rowing: PE as well as life skills

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: B4

    Police complaint procedures drafted

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: B4

     
    Clarifying energy update letter

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: B4

    Weekly claw pickup necessary

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: B4

     
    Mars or ISIS? Similar outcome

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: B4

    City may get charged up over energy choices

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: B4

     
    Speak out

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B5

     
    Design innovation centers for the 21st century

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: B5

    A new perspective on life

    By Creators Syndicate | From Page: A7

     
    Distant water crisis has lessons for Davis

    By Marion Franck | From Page: A7

    Call for study to settle if anesthesia poses risk to babies

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A7

     
    .

    Sports

     
    Aggie men get a bounce-back win at Cal Poly

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1

    The mystery continues: lowly Gauchos upset UCD women

    By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

     
    Devils get a soccer win despite finishing woes

    By Evan Ream | From Page: B1 | Gallery

    Winning close games is the key for DHS softballers

    By Spencer Ault | From Page: B1 | Gallery

     
    Sports briefs: Razo throws well as Aggies get a baseball win

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B2 | Gallery

    Defending champion Blue Devils have diamond holes to fill

    By Thomas Oide | From Page: B3 | Gallery

     
    Republic FC falls to storied New York Cosmos

    By Evan Ream | From Page: B10

    .

    Features

    .

    Arts

    .

    Business

    Yolo Federal Credit Union honored for supporting business education

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A10

     
    Online store will celebrate, mock People’s Republic of Davis

    By Wendy Weitzel | From Page: A10 | Gallery

    .

    Obituaries

    .

    Comics

    Comics: Sunday, March 1, 2015

    By Creator | From Page: B8