Sunday, February 1, 2015
YOLO COUNTY NEWS
99 CENTS

Caregiving arrangement causes friction

AnniesMailbox

Dear Annie: I am one of five middle-aged sisters. My father died four years ago, and shortly after, my mother moved to an apartment near me. As her health has declined, I’ve gradually become a partial caregiver. I am with her every day, sometimes for six hours or more. Mom insists on paying me. She can easily afford it. I was conservative with my hours, and the rate was comparable to in-home services. I am an excellent caregiver and pleased to help. Mom knows her care is better than she’d get anywhere else. She is content and wants to stay where she is. Her doctors concur.

After a year of “salary,” my sisters hit the ceiling. I am Mom’s power of attorney, co-trustee and executor, and I’ve been 100 percent honest. I love my sisters, but they have no faith in me. They have mentioned moving Mom away from me. Should I just go ahead and take over? Legally? Financially? Isn’t there a way we can all simply get along?

— Outcast Sister

Dear Outcast: Taking over seems guaranteed to provoke your sisters. Instead, invite them to participate in Mom’s care. Explain in detail what Mom needs. Perhaps they would like to take turns caring for her to see for themselves the amount of time and effort required. Ask whether they would prefer hiring an outside caregiver, and let them research the cost. Show them in writing the number of hours you spend with Mom. They need to appreciate what you do without feeling guilty or resentful or, worse, thinking that you are not deserving of any compensation.

————

Dear Annie: The other day I mentioned to my oldest daughter that her youngest sibling seemed overly close with her youngest child. My daughter replied, “Oh, that’s just the youngest child syndrome. Everyone spends more time on the youngest and gives them everything. You do, too, Mom.”

This statement hurt a little. When I went home, I thought about it and would like to clarify: Yes, when my older children grew up, I had more time to spend with the youngest, but that doesn’t mean I loved him more. Yes, over the years, our expenses have gone down, so we could buy more things, but that doesn’t mean I loved him more. Yes, with fewer children around to care for, I could take him places that I never took the others, but that doesn’t mean I loved him more. My older kids were with me when we couldn’t afford restaurants, so we had more family dinners at home. There was no money for movies, so we built a snowman. Instead of fancy trips, we read and talked about those exotic places. But, daughter, I never loved you less.

— Your Mother

Dear Mother: For every older child who believes the youngest is indulged, there is a younger child who believes the oldest is favored. Thank you for making it clear that in most families each child is loved deeply and completely, even when the surrounding circumstances change.

————

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “A Little Wiser,” the man whose wife of 41 years had breast cancer. The experience of almost losing her transformed their relationship. They could no longer remember the things that bothered them. They no longer spoke hurtful words. They no longer saw the petty annoyances.

That letter made me cry. My husband wondered what happened. I gave him the paper, and he started crying, too. You see, 18 months ago, I had a stroke. I am still recovering.

Tell “Wiser” that we had the very same “deficiencies” in our memories and discovered each other all over again. Thank you for printing it.

— Love It

————

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

— Creators Syndicate Inc.

Comments

comments

Special to The Enterprise

  • Recent Posts

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this newspaper and receive notifications of new articles by email.

  • .

    News

    Well-loved library has services for all ages

    By Jeff Hudson | From Page: A1 | Gallery

     
    The end of an era for The Enterprise, as pressroom closes

    By Kimberly Yarris | From Page: A1 | Gallery

     
    Jewish fraternity vandalism classified a hate crime

    By Lauren Keene | From Page: A1

    Man arrested after body parts found in suitcase

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

     
    Islamists post beheading video

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

    More than a foot of snow possible for Midwest, Northeast

    By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

     
     
    UCD Med Center patient tested negative for Ebola

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    Kudos to the Thomsons

    By Sue Cockrell | From Page: A3

     
    Arboretum ‘I do’

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A4

     
    The story of Mark and Maria

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5

    Summer lovin’

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5

     
    Stories come alive at the library

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A8

    Vote for your favorites in Readers’ Choice poll

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9

     
    Japanese students seek Davis host families

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9

    And bingo was the game-o

    By Tate Perez | From Page: A9

     
    Lee will speak Wednesday about city issues

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9

    Training starts Tuesday for Jepson Prairie Preserve tour guides

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9 | Gallery

     
    Lecture looks at women in Egypt

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A9

    Stepping Stones supports grieving youths

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A9Comments are off for this post

     
    Questions and answers about breast cancer set

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A11

    Davis Arts Center welcomes students’ work

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A11

     
    Tuleyome Tales: Searching for the elusive McNab cypress

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A11 | Gallery

    .

    Forum

    Help a veteran feel loved

    By Creators Syndicate | From Page: A10

     
    Three old ideas going, going, gone

    By Marion Franck | From Page: A10

     
    How much drinking is too much?

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A10

    They’re experienced and honest

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A12

     
    Toy drive was a big success

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A12

    One-way street solves dilemma

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A12

     
    Council, follow your own policies

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A12

    Ensure that you’re protected against measles

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A12

     
    Act would let patients control their own fates

    By Our View | From Page: A12

    Tom Meyer cartoon

    By Debbie Davis | From Page: A12

     
    Wi-Fi in our schools could result in health impacts

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A13

    Life goes on in Rutilio Grande, despite country’s gang violence

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A13 | Gallery

     
    .

    Sports

     
    Depth charge: DHS girls defeat Elk Grove

    By Spencer Ault | From Page: B1 | Gallery

    Blue Devil boys lose on Herd’s buzzer-beating trey

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1

     
    UCD women survive against winless UCSB

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1

    Foursome will represent Davis at national soccer tournament

    By Evan Ream | From Page: B1 | Gallery

     
    UCD roundup: Aggies make a racket but fall to Sac State, Pacific

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B2 | Gallery

    Kings get past Pacers

    By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

     
    Sharks blank Blackhawks

    By The Associated Press | From Page: B2

    .

    Features

    .

    Arts

    .

    Business

    Doby Fleeman: Toward a more perfect Davis

    By Doby Fleeman | From Page: A12

     
    Ullrich Delevati, CPAs, adds senior accountant

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A12

    And the survey says: Success for Davis Chamber

    By Debbie Davis | From Page: A12

     
    Putah Creek Winery launches ‘Give Back Tuesday’

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A12

    Seminar will cover business challenges

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A13

     
    Japanese fondue dips into Davis scene

    By Wendy Weitzel | From Page: A13 | Gallery

    Novozymes, Cargill continue bio-acrylic acid partnership as BASF exits

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A13

     
    .

    Obituaries

    .

    Comics

    Comics: Sunday, February 1, 2015

    By Creator | From Page: B8