Thursday, August 21, 2014
YOLO COUNTY NEWS
99 CENTS

Dealing with alcoholic fallout

AnniesMailbox

By
From page B5 | January 18, 2013 |

Dear Annie: My parents have been divorced for 30 years. Both made mistakes when they were married, but the end was due to my mom’s drinking. Dad provided for me and now takes an active role in his grandchildren’s lives, always making an effort to show up for their events.

Mom is a different story. She is an alcoholic. When I was younger, she constantly criticized me. I was never “good enough.” She demeans my housekeeping skills, my parenting and my appearance. Mom also has become increasingly negative about my father. She has something bad to say about him every time I speak to her. She blames Dad for the way her life turned out.

I have a hard time trusting her with my children. I attempted to make regular visiting arrangements when the kids were younger, but she would never commit to a specific schedule. Now she rarely sees them because making the time isn’t a priority.

Over the years, I have gone to counseling, and I have created a good life for myself. I have suggested counseling to Mom, but she refuses to get help for any of her various issues. I’ve also suggested talking to other family members, although she’s estranged from most of them.

I really am at the end of my rope. The few visits she makes are stressful and anxiety filled. I have already limited contact to when I am prepared to handle her, and frankly, I don’t want to bother anymore. But I hate the idea of hurting her. She is still my mother. How can I deal with her negativity?

— Tired Daughter

Dear Tired: We understand that Mom’s visits are exhausting, and you are right to limit them. Now you need to create boundaries for her behavior. If she speaks negatively, say, “I don’t wish to discuss this.” If she keeps at it, you can leave or ask her to leave. It might change her behavior, but if not, at least you won’t be there to listen to it. We also urge you to contact Adult Children of Alcoholics (adultchildren.org) for additional support.

————

Dear Annie: A few days ago, I attended the wake of a good friend of 40 years. She was in her mid-50s and died unexpectedly. She left a 12-year-old daughter.

As we arrived at the funeral home, we thought there was a line to sign in. Wrong. It turned out to be about 25 “tweens” practicing their cheerleading. These girls blocked the front door and the hallway. They were loud, laughing, taking pictures and running around. This continued all night long. Not one person said a word to them.

I don’t know whose job it should have been to tell them to sit down and be quiet, but I feel I didn’t get the chance to properly mourn my friend. There was no funeral service. Should I have talked to these girls or someone else?

— Still Grieving

Dear Still: Someone at the funeral home should have taken charge of this circus and asked the girls to be more respectful, and you could have spoken to the funeral director. But we hope it was comforting to the 12-year-old to see her friends there, even if they were laughing and taking pictures. It’s a blessing not to know death at that age.

————

Dear Annie: “Realistic” referred to the decline of the elderly as “the angry human wreckage they become.” That statement is a sad commentary. Most elderly do not take such a negative route in their final days. My grandmothers were both sweet, vulnerable and a little bit scared in the end, but neither hostile nor combative. This may have been because they were surrounded by people who truly loved and supported them during that vulnerable time.

One reason some people become “angry” and resistant is that they are disoriented in an unfamiliar environment with strangers taking care of them.

— Field Services Coordinator, Long-Term Care Services

————

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

— Creators Syndicate Inc.

Comments

comments

Special to The Enterprise

  • Recent Posts

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this newspaper and receive notifications of new articles by email.

  • .

    News

     
    Report details the face of hunger in Yolo County

    By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: A1 | Gallery

    Summer jobs aren’t always in the bag

    By Spencer Ault | From Page: A1 | Gallery

     
    Davis Arts Center gets a new look, thanks to Brooks

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A1 | Gallery

    More details emerge in Woodland officer shootings

    By Lauren Keene | From Page: A1 | Gallery

     
    Bob Dunning: Taking on a Specktacular challenge

    By Bob Dunning | From Page: A2 | Gallery

    For the record

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A2

     
    The big moveout, on ‘Davisville’

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    Sunder campaign will be at Farmers Market

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

     
    Classic car show slated in Woodland

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    Students can practice safe bike routes to junior highs

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A3

     
    ‘Monsters University’ to be screened in Central Park

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

    California regulators approve PG&E rate hike

    By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

     
    America’s ‘it’ school? Look west, Harvard

    By New York Times News Service | From Page: B3

    School board preps for new academic year

    By Jeff Hudson | From Page: A3

     
    Public opinion sought about Nishi Gateway

    By Lily Holmes | From Page: A4

     
    Davis Art Garage honored; bench dedication set

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A8 | Gallery

    Woodland historical award winners announced

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A8

     
    .

    Forum

    Can’t understand this change

    By Creators Syndicate | From Page: B5

     
    Tom Meyer cartoon

    By Debbie Davis | From Page: A6

    Delta-friendly water bond is a win for all of California

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

     
    Bravo! The road diet works

    By Rich Rifkin | From Page: A6

    Support water bond in November

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A6

     
    Relay for Life team says thanks

    By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A6

    .

    Sports

    Aggie QB is back to pass … Touchdown, Tina! Tina?

    By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

     
    Hard hoops schedule features defending national champs at UCD

    By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

     
    Crisp’s big hit helps A’s

    By The Associated Press | From Page: B1 | Gallery

    UCD roundup: Aggie gymnasts are awesome at academics

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B8 | Gallery

     
    Sacramento scores early to snap skid

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: B8

    Unplayable? Cubs, rain hand Giants a loss

    By The Associated Press | From Page: B8

     
    .

    Features

    Food that travels well for cooking out

    By Julie Cross | From Page: A5 | Gallery

     
    .

    Arts

     
    Crowd funding campaign offers support for Art Theater of Davis

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A7

     
    Visit Crawfish and Catfish Festival in Woodland

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A7

    Artists invited to paint at Yolo Bypass Wildlife Area

    By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A7 | Gallery

     
    Goldberg, Milstein to play at Village Homes

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A7 | Gallery

    The voice on the CD comes alive at Music Together concert

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A7

     
    .

    Business

    .

    Obituaries

    Railroad museum will host Aberbach memorial

    By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

     
    .

    Comics

    Comics: Wednesday, August 20, 2014

    By Creator | From Page: B6