Dear Annie: Five years ago (after 20 years of marriage), my wife and I separated because she found out that I had been regularly indulging in phone sex and that I had slept with another woman. In addition, I’d made constant demands of her for sex.
When she asked me to leave, I was determined to completely change my life. I sought help and was clinically diagnosed as a sex addict. I entered a 12-step program and had intensive therapy, read voraciously and, with the help of God, turned my life around. When I briefly lost my job some years ago, my wife let me move back into our home, but not into our bedroom.
Since then, we have slowly rebuilt trust to the point where we date, cuddle and even sleep in the same bed. We share our lives and regularly see a couples therapist. She tells me she can see how I’ve changed, and that she admires the work I’ve done. Despite all of this, however, she has repeatedly said that she does not believe she will ever be willing to have sex with me again. She refuses to discuss the matter, even in therapy. She sees a therapist on her own, but says that working on becoming intimate with me is not a priority.
I would like to keep our family together, but I don’t know how I can continue in a relationship where sex isn’t even allowed to be discussed. Can people have a healthy relationship without sex? It feels like our relationship is incomplete. What can I do?
— Loveless and Discouraged
Dear Loveless: Married couples can have a good relationship without sex, but only if both partners agree to it. We commend you for doing the necessary work to salvage your marriage. Unfortunately, your wife still may not trust you entirely, or she may simply be uninterested in intimacy. She also may feel that she put up with your philandering for 20 years, so you should give her however much time she needs. There has, in fact, been progress, albeit more slowly than you’d like. Intimacy and communication are things you should be working on in couples therapy. Please bring both of these issues up at your next session.
Dear Annie: I’m a 13-year-old girl. Last night, my mom and I decided to watch a movie together at home. My mom was tired from a long, stressful week worrying about my sick uncle. She fell asleep toward the beginning of the movie.
I am just wondering if there is a proper etiquette about falling asleep during a movie.
— Sleepy in Indiana
Dear Sleepy: Some things can’t be helped. It’s perfectly OK to fall asleep during a movie, provided the snoring doesn’t disturb your companion. We’re sure Mom would have enjoyed staying up with you had she been able. Since she fell asleep so early in the film, you could have watched it alone or turned it off, tucked her in and watched it another time when she was more fully awake.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Begging for Mummy and Daddy.” My daughter started using drugs as a teenager. She got sober for quite a few years, and then she lost it again. At 29, she passed away from a heroin overdose, leaving behind two children, 3 and 9.
Please, parents, support your children, brothers, sisters and grandchildren any way you can while they battle this addiction. This is an epidemic in our country. We live in a small town of 2,400 people, and it still reached us.
— Raising Grandchildren in Wisconsin
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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