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Husband still playing the field

By From page B5 | August 03, 2014

Dear Annie: My husband, sans wedding band, enters a bar alone and buys drinks for female strangers sitting alone. This invariably leads to conversation between them. On one occasion, the woman was a prostitute.

He says he is just being friendly. I say he is coming on to them. He does not buy drinks for female strangers when I am with him. Am I being unreasonable and jealous, or is he behaving like a horn-dog cad?

— Friendly’s Wife

Dear Wife: You don’t need our take on this. You already know. Your husband is flirting and, without the wedding band, is seeing whether he can pick someone up. He may not have acted on it yet, but if this keeps up, it’s only a matter of time. We doubt he’d appreciate it if you did the same thing. Tell him to knock it off.

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Dear Annie: I found it interesting that you didn’t suggest to “Minus One” that the co-workers, whose spouses were not included in a wedding invitation, simply go as a group.

I have been invited to a number of weddings for people my husband doesn’t know. Since he is not comfortable with strangers, I generally attend the wedding and then leave. There have been times when another co-worker and I attended functions together.

It is becoming more difficult to determine whether it’s poor manners, changing times or indifference that creates these situations.

— C.

Dear C.: Several readers suggested this possibility, and if that works for you, it’s fine with us. In some instances, the bride or groom posts an open invitation on the bulletin board, but it’s only for informal events, and you won’t get an accurate head count. But when you care enough to invite someone to your wedding, the spouse (or significant other) should be included.

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Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Feeling Like My Husband’s Mother,” whose husband is immature. I felt for the guy. It seems like she wants to fix him. This approach is inherently flawed. He is just having fun. I am sworn by the covenant of men not to share this information with women, but in this case, it seems necessary.

The husband is acting normally. Any guy will play out his years until his body tells him to stop. In this case, I suspect it will be a skateboard accident that slows him down.

There is a natural switch in a guy that moves from fun-lover to responsible husband. This change often happens in his 30s, sometimes sooner, sometimes later. This guy is just not there yet. This is why women marry older men. They want a guy who is more mature and secure. This woman did not make that choice. So, she now has a new choice to make. It is important to note that she will not change this guy by nagging him.

OK, you may now ask, “What are her choices?” She should look for the easiest way to secure a future, which seems to be her real goal. They could start that savings account with an automatic withdrawal from each person’s paycheck. They could make sure they both have 401(k) accounts with the maximum removed from each check each month. They should learn to live on the adjusted income, which can still be fun. Most importantly, she should invent ways to have fun with her husband herself. Otherwise, she needs to find a new guy who has already made the switch.

Be warned, though: Those mature guys are usually already taken. If not, those guys can come with other baggage she has yet to learn about. She may reach a time when she fondly thinks back on the day when her only problem was an immature husband.

— John in Waikoloa, Hawaii

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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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