Dear Annie: I am in my late 50s, divorced, with a career that spans 30 years. I have been successful in my life with one exception — relationships.

I have been with “Ted” for more than seven years. The first half was good, but the second half has been a constant struggle. The problems began when Ted retired at age 55. His addictions flourished — excessive drinking, credit card spending and Internet usage. The problem is, Ted has too much time on his hands and nothing constructive to keep him busy. He is borderline bipolar, and when he drinks, he becomes difficult to be around. Ted also suffers from erectile dysfunction, which causes sexual and emotional imbalances in our relationship.

I have asked Ted to get help with his addictions, but he refuses. I have sought counseling on my own to help me cope with this situation, and I returned to church looking for answers. I love Ted, but his behavior over the past four years has been a huge turnoff. Is this relationship beyond repair?

— Bewildered in Vermont

Dear Vermont: It is beyond repair if Ted refuses to do anything to help himself and you can no longer tolerate his behavior. There are 12-step programs for addictions, there is medication for erectile dysfunction and bipolar disease, and above all, there is counseling for those willing to work on their problems and their relationships. Give Ted one more chance to come with you for therapy. If he still refuses, ask yourself whether you are better off with him or without him.

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Dear Annie: My husband passed away two months ago. My in-laws contacted me the first week after the funeral, asking for “stuff” that had belonged to him. Since then, I haven’t heard a word.

We used to have get-togethers several times a year, and I thought of them as my family, but I guess I was wrong. I joined an online widow/widowers group and found out just how often this happens. The vast majority of those in my group have had the same experience.

I hope you will ask your readers to see if they are giving the cold shoulder to someone who really needs family right now. Why would they want to make someone feel so badly? My husband may be gone, but I am not, and I miss this side of my family.

— How Sad

Dear Sad: Some family members assume that newly widowed in-laws are not interested in maintaining a relationship. People forget. People are busy. There are a million excuses not to do what’s right, but staying in touch works both ways. If you miss your in-laws, pick up the phone and call them. Invite a sister-in-law to dinner. Ask the cousins how they’re doing. If you want these relationships to continue, you will have to be the one to do the heavy lifting. We hope it’s worth it.

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Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Dismayed in the Boston Area” with interest. As a young Jewish woman in 1976, I married a man with a Christian- sounding last name. My rabbi counseled me that there would come a time when I was presented with anti-Semitism by persons who did not know I was Jewish, and I would have to choose whether or not to respond.

A few short years later, while working at a large financial institution, some co-workers were discussing Jews in a negative manner. I listened intently and then quietly commented, “None of the Jews I know is like that.” Everyone turned and asked who I knew who was Jewish, and I replied, “My husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents and me.” The shocked looks on their faces told me that speaking up had been the right choice.

I never heard another anti-Semitic remark from them again, and a few actually were decent enough to apologize for their bigotry.

— Midwest Jew

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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

— Creators Syndicate Inc.

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