Dear Annie: My cousin “Kelly” went from a rotten marriage to a horrible relationship, with no break in between.

During this past year, her boyfriend has cheated, lied and threatened her. I was her shoulder to cry on and finally had too much and told her how stupid the whole situation was. This guy doesn’t love her. He uses her. He has nowhere else to go because he pays so much child support for the four children he has from different women that he has nothing left to live on. Kelly feels sorry for him.

Unfortunately, now that I’ve told her exactly what everyone else in our family was saying behind her back, I’m the bad guy, and no one is speaking to me. There is a family graduation coming up, and we all will be together. Do I act like nothing happened or, better yet, tell them all to grow up? I don’t want to cause problems for the graduate, but this is ridiculous. What do you propose?

— The West

Dear West: Honesty is not always the best policy, especially when it accomplishes nothing but hurt feelings. It obviously felt good to get this off your chest, but it cost you. Telling all the relatives to “grow up” will cost you a little more. There are diplomatic ways to get your point across, and if you don’t want to alienate the entire family and ruin the graduation, you might try utilizing some of them. Start with, “I’m so sorry I created a rift. I was simply exhausted from listening to Kelly, and I took it out on her. Please forgive me.”

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Dear Annie: Several months ago, I lost the love of my life. We were in the Caribbean for my son’s wedding when a blood clot made its way to her heart and lungs, and in seven minutes, the woman I had been married to for 33 years was dead on the streets of Nassau.

Once back home, my friends and family surrounded me. One by one, they asked me to their homes for good food and caring company. During two of these visits, however, the hosts turned to me with straight faces and said they “knew what I was going through” because they each went through a divorce. I could not believe my ears. How could they compare a divorce with the death of a beloved spouse? When I attended group grief counseling sessions, several in the group mentioned they had heard similar remarks.

I am here to scream out loud that in no way is a divorce anywhere close to the death of a loved one. No matter the amount of pain, you can see your divorced spouse if you want to, maybe even reconnect someday. I will never, ever be able to touch or see my love again. Death is forever.

— The Saddest Man in the World

Dear Sad: Our deepest condolences on your loss. Your well-meaning friends and relatives do not intend to minimize your grief, which is considerable. They are simply trying to connect with the pain of being alone. But you are right — these things are not the same. We appreciate your telling our readers to be careful not to make such comparisons in their efforts to empathize.

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Dear Annie: “Unhappy 80-Year-Old Woman” rightly gave power of attorney to one of her children when she was ill, but then the child sold her belongings and still controls her money and her mail. Please tell her she has the right to revoke that power of attorney or grant a limited power of attorney. This is a form of elder abuse, intentional or not.

— D.N. in Toledo

Dear Toledo: Thank you for the excellent suggestion.

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Dear Readers: Don’t forget to replace the batteries in your smoke alarms when you set your clocks back one hour.

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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

— Creators Syndicate Inc.

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