Lost in all the talk about pepper spraying Aggies, occupying Dutton Hall, inflated water rates and the proposed demolition of the historic Central Park restrooms is the fact that the city’s Natural Resources Commission is back with a plan to keep you from packing your groceries in either plastic or paper bags.

Unable to ban the burning of firewood in Davis when it was discovered that virtually all Davisites are courteous and considerate and don’t burn wood on “No Burn” days anyway, the NRC has turned its attention back to bags.

And once the City Council decides which way to go with the surface water project and figures out a way to balance the budget, it will be asked to enact an ordinance that will no doubt change grocery shopping habits in this town forever.

Well, my friend Keith thinks we’re going about this grocery bag ban all wrong. And based on the mail I’ve been receiving on this issue recently, he is not alone.

“Maybe the best defense is a good offense,” Keith offers, sounding as if he’s applying for that vacant football head coaching job at UC Davis.

“How about we go after some things near and dear to the liberal environmentalists?” Keith asks.

Hold on just a minute. Let’s define some terms here before we move on. First, even though it’s become a dirty word, “liberal” used to mean you stood for equal rights and just war and things like that. Then they changed it to “progressive” and now all you have to worry about is your carbon footprint and keeping anyone and everyone from moving to town.

As for “environmentalist,” I hope we’re all environmentalists, if that means we care about being good stewards of God’s creation.

OK, Keith, go ahead. Pardon the interruption. If you want to rail on liberal environmentalists in the spirit of the First Amendment, rail away.

What Keith proposes is a ban on all things he finds offensive. Which is fine. If he wants to raise 40,000 bucks and run for council, then he gets to call the shots. I mean, if you work that hard to get elected, you’ve earned the right to ban whatever you want. Besides, isn’t that why people run for office in this town in the first place? To ban things they don’t like?

Turns out Keith wants “A total ban on all incense burned in Davis,” which might make it hard for me to go to Mass on Sunday mornings and high holy days. “We can’t have all that chemical smoke going into the air we breathe,” he says. I told you he was an environmentalist. And who knows, maybe he’d be willing to make a First Amendment exception for “religious observances.”

And then, hitting close to the heart of every Davis environmentalist, Keith wants “A Prius tax.” What on Earth could he have against the humble Prius, besides its less-than-sexy exterior? “Do you know how hard it is to dispose of those hybrid batteries?”

And finally, getting it all off his chest in one fell swoop, Keith proposes “A cloth grocery bag tax.”

Now that’s one I like. I don’t know why, but every time I’m stuck in line at Nugget behind one of those holier-than-thou, I-brought-my-own-bag folks, it takes them at least five minutes to put half-a-dozen oranges and a loaf of bread into their cloth bag.

And have you ever noticed how grocery checkers, who would willingly and efficiently pack up your groceries in the bags the store provides, are extremely reluctant to even touch the customer’s own brought-from-home variety? They probably read that Univ. of Arizona study about what’s really at the bottom of that homegrown bag.

Adds Keith: “With all the germs that will build up in the bags, they’ll need to be washed at least once a month.”

Try once a week, my friend.

“Think of all the water used, electricity consumed and soap products going into the environment, not to mention the wear and tear on my washer and dryer, thus decreasing their life span.”

Hey, Keith, if you can present all of the above in two minutes or less one day when it’s on the agenda, I’m sure the council will be happy to hear you out. And then escort you out the door.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]

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