At long last we’ve reached the end of this election road and it seems as if everyone in town is celebrating. Except me.
Yes, this town and its politicians have been very kind over the years in providing a target-rich environment to the Above-Pictured Columnist, who is simply in hog heaven with the charges and counter-charges buzzing around town these days.
“They stole my lawn signs, the dirty dogs.”
“You stole your own lawn signs to make it look like we stole your lawn signs.”
“If Measure P passes, the city will have to file for bankruptcy.”
“If Measure P fails, we’ll all have to file for bankruptcy.”
And so it goes.
Contrary to most good citizens who are about done with this election and wish to climb into the backyard hammock and start sipping their summer lemonade while watching the grass grow brown, controversy and conflict are the very lifeblood of a daily columnist.
The current election became so heated that one day I begged my editor to give me three separate columns a day to handle it all.
When it comes to candidates, I have my favorites, but not because I think they’ll govern the city, the county, the state or the country well, but simply because they’ll make interesting copy.
I once, in a state of panic, voted 17 times for the re-election of Julie Partansky, fearing I wouldn’t know what I’d do without her presence on the Davis City Council. Turns out I gave her so many votes she ended up as mayor, which was way more fun than even I had imagined.
Two years ago I voted 114 times for Judge Dan Maguire, mostly to teach a lesson to his mud-slinging opponent, Clint Parish. I figured if Freddie Oakley hauled me up on charges of voter fraud, I’d at least be appearing before a sympathetic judge.
They never caught me, and the statute of limitations has just about run out, so please, let’s keep this information just between ourselves.
Speaking of judges, this year we have a candidate for the Yolo Superior Court bench who, after openly saying we ought to put a Democrat on the court, came up with the strangest campaign slogan ever: “Nothing stops a bullet like a job.”
If the wheels of justice ever take me into his courtroom, I’m seeking a change of venue.
And what can I say about the nasty race for the 4th District seat in the California Assembly and the thousands and thousands of dollars poured into the race by supposedly “independent” political action committees?
The latest mailer from the Pasadena Posse, doing business as the Opportunity PAC — “Not authorized by a candidate or committee controlled by a candidate” — claims Napa County Supervisor Bill Dodd singlehandedly screwed up construction of the new Bay Bridge.
According to the Posse, which also backs Dan Wolk, “Career politician Bill Dodd traveled to China twice as Chairman of the Metropolitan Transportation Commission. His official duty — inspect the manufacturing of materials for our new Bay Bridge before being shipped and installed. He failed and so did the bolts. 32 of the bolts cracked.”
The Posse goes on to claim “Taxpayers are on the hook for $35,000,000.00 in repairs and monitoring of broken seismic bolts and an additional $100,000,000.00 for faulty bridge deck parts manufactured by a company Dodd was supposed to inspect while in China.”
Wow. That’s a lot of zeroes.
The only problem is, it’s not true. The bolts were made in the gold old U.S. of A., not China. And if you want to blame anyone for this, blame me, not Bill Dodd.
You see, late one night by the light of the moon I sold Bill Dodd that bag of battered bolts under the I Street Bridge in West Sacramento in exchange for two cases of Napa Valley cabernet and season tickets to the Sacramento River Cats.
I regret my error in judgment, have agreed to have my wages at The Davis Enterprise garnished in order to make full restitution of the missing $135 million and throw myself at the mercy of whichever judge is elected on Tuesday.
My parting electoral advice is this: Vote early, vote often and may the best man, woman or issue win.
— Reach Bob Dunning at firstname.lastname@example.org