I left our drought-stricken town over the weekend to see if I could learn how human beings have managed to survive on the Mojave Desert, where no measurable rainfall has been recorded for the past 984 years, but when I returned home I learned that all hell had broken loose in my old hometown.
It’s hard to believe that so much could happen in such a short period of time, but here — in bullet-point fashion — are the highlights of this news-heavy weekend.
Davis City Councilman Brett Lee has been appointed to fill the remaining term of disgraced California Sen. Leland Yee after Democratic party leaders concluded they needed an “honest man” in their ranks.
City leaders are so confident that the Fifth Street Road Diet is the wave of the future that they plan to turn the entire length of Eighth Street into a pedestrian-only mall, with pizza parlors and frozen yogurt shops lining the former roadway.
The city of Woodland, with more millionaires per capita than any other city in Yolo County, has agreed to pay the entire cost of the Sacramento River surface water project because it fears residents of East Davis won’t be able to afford the new rates and will move to Woodland en masse.
The Davis school board has announced through newly hired Superintendent Julie Crawford that henceforth all “personnel” matters will be handled in open session and members of the press can rifle through the district’s financial files any time they please.
The city of Davis, admitting that Jose Granda is indeed right, has rescinded its proposed “half-cent” sales tax increase and will instead be asking voters to approve a 10 “percent” levy on all sales items, including groceries.
Peyton Manning, still smarting from being voted Least Valuable Player in Super Bowl XXXXIVXXCMVX, will announce his candidacy for Davis City Council, promising to “intercept” any bad legislation his colleagues come up with.
Legendary coach Jim Sochor has agreed to take over the Davis High School boys volleyball program on an “interim” basis with plans to introduce the West Coast offense.
The NCAA has invited the Aggie men’s basketball team to the Final Four and dropped Kentucky after Davis gym rat Rich Rifkin discovered that during the regular season UCD beat Air Force, Air Force beat Wyoming, Wyoming beat San Diego State, San Diego State beat Kansas, Kansas beat Oklahoma, Oklahoma beat Texas A&M, Texas A&M beat Arkansas, and Arkansas beat Kentucky.
Dan Wolk has dropped his bid for the California Assembly to become offensive coordinator at Stanford.
Using power of eminent domain, the Davis City Council has declared all water in Stonegate Lake and Lake Alhambra to be public property, invites all citizens to a “community swim” on Saturday.
The Sacramento Kings have announced they will be moving to Knights Landing and playing regular-season games on the outdoor baskets at the former Grafton Elementary School. “We’re tired of playing in front of so many empty seats,” declares new Kings owner Vivek Ranadive. “Grafton doesn’t have any seats, so we won’t have to worry about that anymore.”
Davis Downtown votes to make the entire city alcohol-free.
After rigorous psychological testing, Linda Katehi has been selected for NASA’s “Chancellor in Space” program and will immediately leave for Houston to begin a six-month training program.
UC Davis apiculturalists have revealed that the mysterious condition known as colony collapse disorder has led to the death of 140,000 hives in California, plus The Sacramento Bee.
Union Pacific has announced that beginning immediately, rail cars coming through Davis will carry only free-trade coffee beans, Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds, Coors Light and popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellys. “If there’s an accident, we’ll have one big party in downtown Davis,” noted UP spokesman I.M. Railman, speaking on condition of anonymity.
In a 4-0 vote, Davis school board has named Rob Peterson to fill the seat vacated by former trustee Nancy Peterson.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus all the news that fits, on this First Day of April in the Year of Our Lord 2014.
— Reach Bob Dunning at firstname.lastname@example.org