In an attempt to justify its surveillance of every phone call made by every American, the Obama administration today released word-for-word transcripts recorded from a suspected terrorist cell operating out of a 1950s-style starter home in a nondescript East Davis neighborhood (as all East Davis neighborhoods are).
Please know that if you hear strange clicking noises or incessant buzzing in your ears, your phone, like ours, may be on the watch list.

FRIDAY, 5:32 a.m.:

“Bob?”
“Whoever this is, I’m sound asleep. Can you please call back later?”
“This is Tom, your neighbor. Your rooster is crowing again.”
“We don’t have a rooster.”
“But you wrote about the Tour de Cluck. I know you have a rooster.”
“We don’t have a rooster. Go back to bed.”
“I’m warning you.”
“Look, Tom, we sold the rooster to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Get your ears checked.”

FRIDAY, 7:50 a.m.

“New York Times, circulation, may I help you?”
“I didn’t get my paper this morning.”
“Is this the same phone number at the correct address, sir?”
“Yes.”
“I see you were stopped for non-payment.”
“My check’s in the mail, honestly.”
“Is that a rooster I hear, sir?”
“We don’t have a rooster.”

FRIDAY, 10:22 a.m.

“Bob?”
“No, this is Maev.”
“Why aren’t you in school, kid?”
“School’s out.”
“Is Bob there?”
“Just a minute.”
“Hello, this is Bob.”
“Bob, this is Vinnie, your bookie.”
“Vinnie, I told you not to call me at this number. Obama may be listening.”
“I just need to know if you want to get something down on the Giants today.”
“I’m tapped out, my friend. Waiting for football season.”
“Lincecum’s throwing. I can get you a run and a half.”
“Gotta go feed the rooster, Vinnie. Don’t call me on this number again.”

FRIDAY, 12:11 p.m.

“Hello.”
“This is an urgent message. Do not hang up. Do you know that in the next 10 minutes, 11 Americans will die from ingesting too much fluoride in their city water supply?”
“You don’t say.”
“We can offer you …”

FRIDAY, 7:22 p.m.

“Pizza Guys.”
“Yeah, we’d like to order an extra-large pepperoni.”
“That’ll be $11.99. Pickup or delivery?”
“If I pick it up do I get the free ice cream?”
“You have to spend 15 dollars.”
“OK, make it two extra-large pepperonis for pickup.”
“Chocolate or vanilla?”

SATURDAY, 10 a.m.

“British Columbia Parliament Building.”
“Yes, what are your hours of operation?
“We’re open to the general public during normal business hours.”
“Well, we were planning a visit to Victoria this summer and I was wondering if there are any special tours for kids.”

At that point, the phone went dead and there was a knock at the front door, where I was greeted by three FBI agents with a warrant for my arrest for “communicating with a foreign government through electronic devices without express written permission of the United States government.” They did not search for, or find, the rooster.
If I can make bail, we still plan to visit the Parliament Building in Victoria this summer. But if the government doesn’t stop tapping our phones, we might not come back.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]

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