Friday, April 17, 2015
YOLO COUNTY NEWS
99 CENTS

Bob Dunning: It’s not your everyday job listing

BobDunning2W

By
From page A2 | January 17, 2013 |

Always looking for outside work to augment my seven-figure salary as a newspaper columnist, I stumbled upon an online job listing for which I am uniquely qualified.

“HEAD FOOTBALL COACH” said the heading under the stylish green “O” that represents the University of Oregon Department of Human Resources, which posted this job offering.

“Location: Eugene; Salary Range: Commensurate With Experience; Open Until Filled; Posting: 13,013 (the number of yards the Ducks gained in 2012).”

Eugene is a bit of a commute, but since most of the games are on Saturdays, I think I can make it work. Besides, it seems as if half the time they’re playing in Berkeley or Palo Alto or somewhere close by anyway. Heck, I remember watching them play in Reno one time, which is super convenient since I can get a bet down on the game before putting on my headset and taking my place along the 50-yard-line.

“Qualifications: Bachelor’s degree required.” Check.

“Knowledge of NCAA rules and interpretations required.” Check.

“Excellent written, personal and oral communication skills required.” And here I thought being a coach involved yelling more than writing. Then again, I guess Ducks can’t really talk. Still, other than spray-painting “PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY” on the locker room wall, I’m not sure what kind of writing skills this job entails.

“Preference will be given to candidates who effectively communicate a plan of action for program improvement.” Given that the Ducks finished No. 2 in the country in the just-concluded season, there is definitely room for improvement. Our fans should not have to shout “We’re No. 2.”

“Preference will be given to candidates who have been affiliated with highly successful elite program(s).” Well, I did witness and write about every college football game that Hall of Fame member Jim Sochor ever coached, which included such well-known University of Oregon names as Mike Bellotti, Chris Petersen and Nick Aliotti. If that’s not affiliating with a highly successful elite program, I don’t know what is.

“Have demonstrated knowledge and implementation of offensive and/or defensive strategies.” On offense, my goal will be to always score a touchdown. I plan to rotate two footballs in and out of the game so we can snap the ball every six seconds instead of every 12 seconds. On defense, my goal will be to force a punt and then block that punt, recovering the ball in the end zone for another touchdown. We will not need a field goal kicker because we will always be scoring touchdowns. In bunches.

“Oversees the recruitment and selection of student-athletes.” I will recruit only student-athletes who have an IQ greater than their shoe size and will be certain they can run a 40-yard dash in 4.2 seconds so they can sprint to their 8 a.m. classes and sit in the front row.

I also plan to open all practices to the media, especially writers who regularly cover the opposition. During these open media sessions we will exclusively practice intricate plays we have no intention of ever using in an actual game on Saturday afternoon.

“Works collaboratively in the selection, purchase, fitting and maintenance of team equipment, to include uniforms, athletic equipment and supplies.” Can someone please get Phil Knight on the phone?

“Works collaboratively with Athletic Director or sport liaison to develop a competitive event schedule.” I think next fall’s home opener with that Louisiana powerhouse Nicholls State is a good place to start. If the Beavers beat them 77-3 last year, I think we can beat them 107-3.

“Supports the Sports Medicine staff to ensure student-athlete welfare.” Lance Armstrong will have no place in our locker room.

“Represents the Department at professional, civic, charitable and alumni events.” I promise to work on my putting.

“Finalist must successfully complete a criminal background check.” I’ll check the criminal background of anyone you want me to, beginning with the entire Stanford roster.

“Submit letter of interest, resume and the names and phone numbers of three references via email to Mark Ruckwardt at [email protected]. An equal-opportunity, affirmative-action institution committed to cultural diversity.”

Look, Mark, if you’re planning to hire the first female head football coach in NCAA Division I history, just tell me now and I’ll go back to watching Duck football instead of coaching it.

Otherwise, you can call off the search. Without a doubt, I’m your man.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]

Comments

comments

.

News

Psychedelic rock posters recall 1960s concerts

By Jeff Hudson | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
UCD study: Crickets not enough to feed the world just yet

By Kathy Keatley Garvey | From Page: A1

It’ll be a perfect day for a picnic — and lots more

By Tanya Perez | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Turning a mess into olive oil success

By Dave Jones | From Page: A1 | Gallery

UCD expands emergency notification service

By Julia Ann Easley | From Page: A2

 
California vaccine bill stalls; will come back next week

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

Cities: California water reduction order unrealistic, unfair

By The Associated Press | From Page: A2

 
Bob Dunning: Chasing criminals and water-wasters

By Bob Dunning | From Page: A2

Enjoy a chemistry bang on Picnic Day

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

 
Start your Picnic Day with pancakes

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

Local students to perform at fundraising concert

By Jeff Hudson | From Page: A3 | Gallery

 
CA House hosts crepe breakfast

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

Doxie Derby crowns the winning wiener

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

 
Fundraiser benefits Ugandan women

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A3

See pups at Picnic Day

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4 | Gallery

 
Davis poet will read his work at library

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Free blood pressure screenings offered

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4Comments are off for this post

 
Rotary Club hosts whisky tasting

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Ribs and Rotary benefits local charities

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

 
Dodd plans fundraising barbecue in Davis

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Soroptimists set date for golf tourney

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

 
Socks collected for homeless veterans

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

Council will present environmental awards Tuesday

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5

 
Invention and upcycling to be honored at Square Tomatoes Fair

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5

 
Take a peek at Putah Creek on daylong tour

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A5 | Gallery

Pence Gallery Garden Tour tickets on sale

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A5

 
UC Davis Circle K Club wins awards at district convention

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

Davis authors featured at writing conference in Stockton

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

 
Sign up soon for Davis history tour

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Campus firearms bill passes Senate committee

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

 
Emerson featured at photography program

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

Portuguese influence in Yolo County detailed

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A6

 
Concert and dance party celebrate KDRT’s 10 years on the air

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A7 | Gallery

 
Survival skills to be taught at preserve

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A9

.

Forum

The new one puts her foot down

By Creators Syndicate | From Page: B5

 
Tom Meyer cartoon

By Debbie Davis | From Page: A8

It’s time to fight for California’s jobs

By Special to The Enterprise | From Page: A8

 
Future leaders give back

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A8

 
Know where your gift is going

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A8

Pipeline veto a good move

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A8

 
Artists offer heartfelt thanks

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A8

.

Sports

DHS boys drop another Delta League match

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Aggie women ready to host (win?) Big West golf tourney

By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1

New strength coach hopes to stem UCD football injury tide

By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1 | Gallery

 
Herd has too much for Devil softballers

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B1

Les, AD Gould talk about the Aggie coach’s future

By Bruce Gallaudet | From Page: B1

 
UCD roundup: Quintet of Aggie gymnasts honored for academics

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B2 | Gallery

 
River Cats fall to Las Vegas

By Enterprise staff | From Page: B12

 
Diamondbacks defeat Giants in 12 innings

By The Associated Press | From Page: B12 | Gallery

.

Features

DSF kicks off 10th anniversary celebration at the carousel

By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: B5

 
Many summer enrichment opportunities available for students

By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: B5

 
What’s happening

By Anne Ternus-Bellamy | From Page: B5

.

Arts

‘True Story:’ In their dreams

By Derrick Bang | From Page: A10 | Gallery

 
‘Once’ an unforgetable celebration of music, relationships

By Bev Sykes | From Page: A11 | Gallery

 
.

Business

Honda shows off new Civic at New York show

By The Associated Press | From Page: B3

 
.

Obituaries

Ruth Rodenbeck Stumpf

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

 
Robert Leigh Cordrey

By Enterprise staff | From Page: A4

.

Comics

Comics: Friday, April 17, 2015

By Creator | From Page: B10