Always looking for outside work to augment my seven-figure salary as a newspaper columnist, I stumbled upon an online job listing for which I am uniquely qualified.
“HEAD FOOTBALL COACH” said the heading under the stylish green “O” that represents the University of Oregon Department of Human Resources, which posted this job offering.
“Location: Eugene; Salary Range: Commensurate With Experience; Open Until Filled; Posting: 13,013 (the number of yards the Ducks gained in 2012).”
Eugene is a bit of a commute, but since most of the games are on Saturdays, I think I can make it work. Besides, it seems as if half the time they’re playing in Berkeley or Palo Alto or somewhere close by anyway. Heck, I remember watching them play in Reno one time, which is super convenient since I can get a bet down on the game before putting on my headset and taking my place along the 50-yard-line.
“Qualifications: Bachelor’s degree required.” Check.
“Knowledge of NCAA rules and interpretations required.” Check.
“Excellent written, personal and oral communication skills required.” And here I thought being a coach involved yelling more than writing. Then again, I guess Ducks can’t really talk. Still, other than spray-painting “PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY” on the locker room wall, I’m not sure what kind of writing skills this job entails.
“Preference will be given to candidates who effectively communicate a plan of action for program improvement.” Given that the Ducks finished No. 2 in the country in the just-concluded season, there is definitely room for improvement. Our fans should not have to shout “We’re No. 2.”
“Preference will be given to candidates who have been affiliated with highly successful elite program(s).” Well, I did witness and write about every college football game that Hall of Fame member Jim Sochor ever coached, which included such well-known University of Oregon names as Mike Bellotti, Chris Petersen and Nick Aliotti. If that’s not affiliating with a highly successful elite program, I don’t know what is.
“Have demonstrated knowledge and implementation of offensive and/or defensive strategies.” On offense, my goal will be to always score a touchdown. I plan to rotate two footballs in and out of the game so we can snap the ball every six seconds instead of every 12 seconds. On defense, my goal will be to force a punt and then block that punt, recovering the ball in the end zone for another touchdown. We will not need a field goal kicker because we will always be scoring touchdowns. In bunches.
“Oversees the recruitment and selection of student-athletes.” I will recruit only student-athletes who have an IQ greater than their shoe size and will be certain they can run a 40-yard dash in 4.2 seconds so they can sprint to their 8 a.m. classes and sit in the front row.
I also plan to open all practices to the media, especially writers who regularly cover the opposition. During these open media sessions we will exclusively practice intricate plays we have no intention of ever using in an actual game on Saturday afternoon.
“Works collaboratively in the selection, purchase, fitting and maintenance of team equipment, to include uniforms, athletic equipment and supplies.” Can someone please get Phil Knight on the phone?
“Works collaboratively with Athletic Director or sport liaison to develop a competitive event schedule.” I think next fall’s home opener with that Louisiana powerhouse Nicholls State is a good place to start. If the Beavers beat them 77-3 last year, I think we can beat them 107-3.
“Supports the Sports Medicine staff to ensure student-athlete welfare.” Lance Armstrong will have no place in our locker room.
“Represents the Department at professional, civic, charitable and alumni events.” I promise to work on my putting.
“Finalist must successfully complete a criminal background check.” I’ll check the criminal background of anyone you want me to, beginning with the entire Stanford roster.
“Submit letter of interest, resume and the names and phone numbers of three references via email to Mark Ruckwardt at firstname.lastname@example.org. An equal-opportunity, affirmative-action institution committed to cultural diversity.”
Look, Mark, if you’re planning to hire the first female head football coach in NCAA Division I history, just tell me now and I’ll go back to watching Duck football instead of coaching it.
Otherwise, you can call off the search. Without a doubt, I’m your man.
— Reach Bob Dunning at email@example.com