COUNCIL SEEING ORANGE … my proposal to require all plastic bags distributed in the city of Davis to be colored bright orange is gathering momentum like a dust storm on the Mojave … the proposal is designed to determine if the plastic bags that are supposedly being chased by slow-footed workers all over Yolo County are actually generated by folks in Davis … thus, if you see a plastic bag blowing in the wind that is not orange, you’ll know immediately that Davis is not part of the problem … thus, no need for the Davis City Council to implement its plan to ban plastic bags from our grocery stores …

This orange bag proposal did lead one naysayer to inaccurately point out that there’s a “continent” of plastic growing in the Pacific, an exaggeration by at least a billion fold … nevertheless, such a belief — no matter how far from the actual facts of the matter — is all the more reason to have Davis go all orange … unless the floating Pacific continent suddenly turns bright orange, we’ll know with certainty that Davis bags are not threatening marine life …

So enthusiastic are some residents about the orange bag plan that I’ve formed an advocacy group known as “Support Orange Bags” (SOB) to help bring it to fruition. … for $12.99 plus postage and handling I’ll send you your very own bright orange membership card and lapel pin — “I’m an SOB” — plus a listing of the dates and times of public comment at Davis City Council meetings between now and the California Assembly primary in June of 2014 … it’s the least I can do to save this town from itself …

EVEN MORE ORANGE HYSTERIA … my friend Glen writes to say that I am “on to something big” with my color-coded plastic bag idea … all those $12.99 membership cards do add up … “Not only would Davis be the first city on the planet to implement something bizarre like this, but your ingenious idea would provide valuable data to the Davis City Council — a subsidiary of the hand-wringing-doom-and-gloom Davis Natural Resources Commission — to facilitate an evidence-based decision about plastic bags in our pristine community.” … as my dad used to say, Glen, don’t confuse me with evidence, I’ve already made up my mind …

Adds Glen: “By the way, I was shocked to find an empty paper bag on my driveway early Sunday morning, cleverly concealed within the folds of my Davis Enterprise newspaper. The culprit, Office Max, is really pushing its luck around here. ‘Book ‘em, Danno.’ ” … I’ll second that …

THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING … Ralph at gmail.com writes that “On August 4, I emailed all five Davis City Council members, stating my opposition to a ban on plastic bags, bcc’ing you as well. You replied with a question: ‘Is anyone listening?’ ” … I remember it well, Ralph … “I should have listened to you, because so far not one council member has responded.” … they’re all out buying orange plastic bags …

“I can only speculate as to why this is so. Perhaps the NSA diverted my email to them, or blocked their reply, not wishing for the citizenry to take this democracy thing too literally. Perhaps my email was overlooked in a flood of emails on more important matters.” … more important than taking plastic bags out of the hands of grocery grabbing scofflaws? … I suspect you’ll get some answers soon, my friend …

DIRE WARNING … Frederick, writing from the relative safety of the Kingdom of Thailand about a recent column on water rates says simply: “Beware! Rational columns like the one on water and voting can land you in a pool of water face down.” … warning taken, Frederick … even as we speak, my family and I are being prepared for initiation into the Federal Witness Protection Program …

— Entries to the Contest to Replace the Above-Pictured Columnist are due Tuesday, Sept. 3, at midnight. Entries may be about any subject and should be between 400 and 800 words in length. Entries, including daytime and evening phone numbers, a brief biography of the author, and a mug shot suitable for publication, can be emailed to [email protected]

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