Elsewhere in today’s paper you’ll find a recap of all the major stories of 2012, of which there were many.
In this space you will read a preview of all the major stories about to unfold in 2013 so you can prepare accordingly.
Oddly, although most annual “predictions” come true in the allotted time period, several of these stories were forecast for previous years, but for unexplained reasons were delayed until now, so those few have been repeated here in the interest of accuracy.
GOD BLESS THE BADGERS (Jan. 1) … Councilman Dan Wolk, a Stanford grad, spends a whole week wearing an “I Love Wisconsin” T-shirt to pay off a Rose Bowl bet with school board member Sheila Allen, a Wisconsin grad.
HOLY WATER ALL AROUND (Jan. 8) … Vatican officially endorses Davis-Woodland water project as Pope Benedict XVI arrives at the intake site to bless the “Great River named after the Blessed Sacrament.”
A WALL OF SEPARATION (Jan. 9) … ACLU files suit to change name of Sacramento River to “Sacratomato River” after Pope threatens to change the water to wine.
MARATHON MAN (Jan. 21) … Herb Bauer turns 103, announces training schedule for Boston Marathon in April while inviting whole town to join him.
LOGOMANIA (Jan. 31) … UC Davis reveals new logo that features a dead, upside-down Hornet with the words “We Are Not Sac State”.
BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE (Feb. 14) … Yolo County Blood Bank takes over longstanding downtown book store, changes name to Avid Bleeder.
MOVE OVER, PAULA DEEN (Feb. 26) … Linda Katehi guest stars on Food Network with recipe for Pepper-Sprayed Chicken at $30,000 per serving.
PADRE BROWN (March 1) … Jerry Brown resigns as governor to return to seminary and complete long-interrupted studies for the priesthood. Lois Wolk named acting governor.
WATER WILL FLOW (March 5) … after a hard-fought campaign, student vote puts Davis-Woodland water project over the top after city promises free pizza and a pitcher of beer with every water bill over $100.
BURY-ESSA (March 6) … 9.7 earthquake west of Winters shatters Monticello Dam. Pent up waters of Lake Berryessa race eastward, wiping out all of Stonegate before making a sharp left at Highway 113 and heading for Woodland. Davis-Woodland water project put on hold.
CAN YOU SPELL N-O-B-E-L? (March 7) … UC Davis climatologist I.C. Stare wins Nobel Prize for discovering two identical snowflakes on family ski vacation in Aspen.
DUMB BUNNY (March 30) … Spring Bunny fired by City of Davis during annual Eggstravaganza for inadvertently referring to child’s chocolate-covered treat as an “Easter” egg.
HOLE FOODS (March 31) … giant sinkhole swallows all of Davis Commons.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME (April 10) … Nick Watney passes up Masters to compete for Davis Muni open flight title. “It’s the only major championship I haven’t won,” explains Davis’ very own PGA star.
ON THE MOVE (April 22) … tired of thousands of empty seats at Put-Fans-to-Sleep Arena, Sacramento Kings move to Hickey Gym for a “more intimate fan experience.” While refusing to report actual attendance, Kings lead the league in “percentage of seats filled.”
NUTS TO YOU (April 25) … possession or sale of chestnuts banned in Davis because they invariably end up “roasting on an open fire.”
MOTTO MANIA MARCHES ON (April 30) … Davis City Council attempts to change official city logo from “Davis: More Nuts than Winters” to “Davis: It’s the Water,” but is voted down 3-to-1 at the ballot box.
A DEVILISH SITUATION (May 1) … Americans United for the Separation of Church and State wins landmark lawsuit declaring the Davis High Blue Devil mascot a “religious symbol” and a clear violation of the First Amendment. After a vote of the DHS student body, “Blue Angel” is adopted as new school mascot.
PAPER OR PLASTIC? (May 3) … city of Davis bans plastic bags, paper bags, Glad bags, handbags, saddlebags, gift bags, windbags, airbags, scumbags, dirtbags, sandbags, beanbags, bagpipes, bagpipers, bag ladies, bagmen, bags under the eyes, baggy pants, Baggin’s End, people named “Bagley” and baguettes. Pacific Garbage Patch continues to grow anyway.
MITT MINGLES WITH THE MASSES (May 4) … Mitt Romney buys home in Lake Alhambra Estates, says “It is a step down, but I want to learn all about the 47 percent and maybe even have some of them over for dinner.”
BOOK ‘EM, DANNO (May 9) … longtime Davis resident Heeza Scofflaw arrested for carrying firewood in a plastic bag on a no-burn day while smoking a cigarette in public. Sentenced to life in Woodland under three strikes law.
MANAGER OF THE YEAR (June 1) … Davis City Manager Steve Pinkerton resigns to take job as manager of the Seattle Mariners. “If I can manage this crazy city, I can manage anything, even the Mariners,” Pinkerton tells press.
BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR (July 4) … Fourth of July fireworks display at Community Park cancelled as “too patriotic.”
THIS BUD’S FOR YOU (July 21) … Budweiser buys naming rights to Davis-Woodland water project. Davis water no longer tastes bad.
RUN FOR DAYLIGHT (August 1) … due to a technicality, NCAA determines that Davis School Superintendent Winfred Roberson has one year of collegiate eligibility remaining. Roberson takes sabbatical year in Berkeley with hopes of leading Golden Bears to the Rose Bowl.
O CANADA (August 25) … Aggie football team joins Canadian Football League because 12-player rule “allows more opportunity for our student-athletes to participate in this great game,” according to Athletic Director Terry Tumey, who admits he’s never been to Saskatchewan.
ROCKY START (Sept. 12) … school children shouting “Save the Rocks” halt construction of new T.J. Maxx store at Target complex. “It’s the most marvelous collection of ‘skipping’ rocks anywhere in Davis,” explains one protesting fifth-grader.
BAG IT (Sept. 30) … City Council meeting dissolves in chaos as members consider resolution to ban reusable bags made exclusively from recycled plastic bags.
SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES (Oct. 5) … officials at DQU arrested for sending smoke signals on a no-burn day.
BROKEN SCOREBOARD (Nov. 28) … Davis High boys open basketball season by scoring 211 points against Dixon.
WATER WOES (Dec. 6) … fearing high water bills, 23 residents of East Davis move to Woodland, simultaneously raising the IQ of both communities.
ON YOU DEVILS (Dec. 8) … Davis High wins NorCal football title with 79-0 win over De La Salle. Spartan coach Bob Ladouceur compares Blue Devils to Green Bay Packers while retiring at halftime.
‘TIS THE SEASON (Dec. 11) … in an effort at inclusion and tolerance, Ellen Pontac and Shelly Bailes buy a Douglas fir at the Boy Scout Christmas tree lot and agree to become den mothers.
SUGAR PLUM FAIRY SILENCED (Dec. 14) … city shuts down annual Children’s Nutcracker, much to the chagrin of all 3,245 participants, after determining that “Fireplace Scene” sets bad example for the youth of our town.
SALE OF THE CENTURY (Dec. 30) … Wal-Mart takes over all of University Mall and opens largest retail outlet in California. As critics predicted, world ends.
FINAL EDITION (Dec. 31) … Davis Enterprise lists all the above as top news stories of 2013.
— Reach Bob Dunning at firstname.lastname@example.org