Friday, April 24, 2015

Bob Dunning: Trapped forever in my driver’s side door


From page A2 | May 15, 2013 |

MASS HYSTERIA … so I was coming out of Mass on a particularly warm Mother’s Day with the Red-Headed Girl of My Dreams and enough kids for a driveway basketball game when I realized it was too hot for anyone to actually enter our locked-up van … so, I opened the passenger side door first, inserted the key and turned on the air conditioning to make the interior safe for those that I love … I also reached over and began to roll down the driver’s side window when I noticed a leaflet or pamphlet of some sort had been stuck on the outside of the window … before I could grab it, however, to see what it was selling, it slipped neatly into the crack between the window and the door and is now entombed forever unless I wish to spend thousands of dollars to tear the door apart and see what I was missing …

Even though I had just been to Mass and promised to forgive all of mankind for every transgression against me, this was a new sin that will not be forgiven until next Sunday … I figure one day the window will stop working and when the Honda mechanic takes the door apart he’ll tell me this particular pamphlet was “gumming up the works down there.” … as I looked around, I noticed every car on the street had been similarly littered, with several pamphlets blowing in the wind … so I grabbed one to see what was so important and learned it was a 5K run in Sacramento “benifiting” some sort of charity …

First and foremost, it seems to me this charity could benefit from a proofreader … there were five deadlines for registering, each with a higher price than the date prior … four of the deadlines had already passed, leaving me with only the $50 option, plus gas … if I run, they promise I’ll “start off with a shirt as pure and white as your grandpa’s dentures,” a bit of ageism and sexism I’ll try to overlook … “You’ll soak up enough color while running to change your skin tone forever,” which explains why six white folks grace the cover of this colorful pamphlet …

Because it’s for a good cause, I promise not to sue when the Honda guy sends me the bill for retrieving my personal pamphlet from inside the door panel … but next time you’re out leafleting, guys, try leaving it on the windshield …

CELEBRATE THIS … because I now work for the Department of Justice and have access to everyone else’s personal emails, I am at this very moment looking at an internal “Celebrate Davis” memo from the Davis Chamber of Commerce to assorted Davis “celebrities” … and who knew we had any celebrities in this town, with the exception maybe of John Lescroart? … “Dear Davis Celebrity,” the memo begins … “We hope that you are as excited about being DUNKED in the name of local business and economic development in front of 10,000 fellow Davisites at Celebrate Davis (Thursday evening) as we are.” …

“The tank will be in action from 5 to 7 p.m. in the Family Fun Zone at Community Park this Thursday. Please arrive at your assigned time below and please bring a change of clothes. We will provide warm water in the dunk tank, a towel, a private dressing area, and a special ‘good sport’ prize.” … no word yet on whether the water in the dunk tank will be fluoridated …

“If you are afraid of commitment,” the memo goes on, “scared of Davis water, cannot swim or just plain don’t want to play, then we will happily let you off the hook with a $100 donation to the Davis Chamber of Commerce.” … ah yes, the dunk tank, modern man’s torture instrument of choice … I’ve done my stints in various evil dunk tanks over the years, nearly cracking my ulna, not to mention my skull, when my seat went out from under me and raw instinct took over … never again … I’ve retired from being stupid …

ABOUT THOSE “CELEBRITIES” … given that Davis is a town especially devoid of celebrities (see above), it was interesting to see which townsfolk made the cut … I do see a handful of elected officials on the list and a pair of California Assembly wannabes, but “celebrity,” as defined by Webster, not a chance … they all deserve to be dunked just for thinking they’re celebrities …

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]





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