SANDWICH SNATCHERS … after I reported the sad but true story of the warrantless search of a poor young man trying to enter an Aggie football game last season with a contraband Subway sandwich in his backpack, similar tales of woe have emerged …

I’m now convinced that subversive students — and townsfolk — sneaking food into Aggie games costs the Big University at least 25 dollars a game in lost concession sales … if this lawlessness goes on much longer, UC Davis will soon have to scrap its athletic program altogether … but, as one defender of the confiscation policy noted, the main goal of such searches is to uncover weapons that could hurt a player or a fan …

Yep, those Subway footlongs are definitely lethal when launched from the cheap seats onto the field of play … can you imagine the harm that would be visited upon a fully helmeted and padded warrior if he gets hit on the shoulder pads with a 12-inch Subway sandwich packed with tunafish and killer tomatoes ? … why they’d have to cart him off to the Student Health Center on a stretcher and probably take away his scholarship …

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to the Aggie brass that there’s probably a good reason when someone decides to bring a sandwich into a football game … like cost … imagine a young couple with two kids stretching the family budget to buy four seats on the grass berm and deciding to bring a picnic supper to save a few dollars … take their food away and they won’t be back … trust me on this …

There will always be a market for hot dogs, peanuts, Cracker Jack and overpriced Coca Cola inside the stadium, but those who out of necessity decide to bring their own should be left alone … the next thing you know, the university will ban bringing a picnic to Picnic Day …

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE … taking advantage of The Enterprise’s special “Buy one, get one free” offer, a fine couple named Kristen and Alan used the letters to the editor section of this very newspaper to blast not only the Above-Pictured Columnist but also the finest columnist in all of North America in the person of Debra DeAngelo … seems they didn’t like my piece about the sandwich police (see “sandwich snatchers” above) and they didn’t like much of anything Debra had to say about the bad habits of certain UC Davis students …

“We just read the Sunday, Aug. 25, Enterprise, as we always do, and were disturbed to read the columns that continue the ongoing criticism of Aggie football (Bob Dunning) and the disparagement of students coming to Davis (Debra DeAngelo),” writes this fearsome twosome … but wait, in daring to question one of Davis’ sacred cows, I criticized the wrong-headed university policy of confiscating food from fans entering Aggie Stadium … I remain a fan of the blue-and-gold uniformed warriors giving their all on the artificial turf at the local ag campus …

As for DeAngelo, she can defend herself, though I will accept the distinct honor of being disparaged in the same sentence as Winters’ finest … hitting way below the belt, Kristen and Alan continue by saying “DeAngelo is the worst.” … since they’re only discussing two of us, Debra can only be described as “worse,” not “worst,” but I’ll decline the left-handed compliment in any regard, mostly because it is based on the fact, as Kristen and Alan write, that “She lives in Winters, not Davis.” …

I didn’t realize living in a town with more nuts than Davis disqualifies Debra from speaking about Davis issues … I mean, aren’t our two fine towns connected by the same long walnut-lined boulevard? … “The culture and quality of life in Davis is deep-seeded in the university and its students,” they conclude … I suspect they meant “deep seated,” but sometimes it’s hard to think clearly when you’re defending the outright theft of sandwiches while at the same time attacking a young woman for daring to live in Winters … but I’ll try to take to heart their statement about the “culture and quality of life in Davis” the next time those students in the rental down the street crank up the decibel level at 2 a.m. on a weeknight …

SPEAKING OF DISPARAGING OUR BELOVED AGGIES … in a piece about major college football powers fattening their records by scheduling cupcakes in the early season, NBC Sports online noted that the University of Oregon will play Nicholls State in 2013, South Dakota in 2014, Eastern Washington in 2015, UC Davis in 2016 and Southern Utah in 2017 …

One commentator, showing absolutely no respect for Aggie Pride, wrote: “UC Davis?? Please. That’s a joke, right?” … how UC Davis could be a joke and Nicholls State not proves the writer’s complete lack of football knowledge … wonder what Kristen and Alan (see “Kristen and Alan” above) would have to say about that …

— Entries to the Contest to Replace the Above-Pictured Columnist are due Tuesday, Sept. 3 at midnight. Entries may be about any subject and should be between 400 and 800 words in length. Entries, including daytime and evening phone numbers, a brief biography of the author, and a mug shot suitable for publication, can be emailed to [email protected]

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