And here you thought the ordinance to ban plastic bags at the grocery store was all about banning plastic bags at the grocery store. Turns out, you are not alone. I thought the same thing myself, what with all the talk about whales and walruses and the like choking on the plastic bags that Davisites so carelessly toss into the Pacific Ocean.

Turns out we were all half right. While the proposed plastic bag ordinance does indeed ban plastic bags at the grocery store, it is also designed to discriminate against those of us who wish to use that traditional alternative to plastic bags, the good old-fashioned, tall and sturdy, industrial brown, recyclable, renewable, PAPER grocery bag.

You know, the kind that can hold a dozen eggs, a half gallon of milk, a bag of apples, a box of macaroni and cheese and two cans of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup with a loaf of French bread and a bag of potato chips sticking out the top.

Those will be going the way of Tyrannosaurus rex if the city has its way.

Yes, this should more properly be known as the Plastic Bag Ban and Paper Bag Harassment Act of 2011.

Here’s the deal on paper bags, in the ordinance’s own words. Words, by the way, are not something the ordinance is short of. I fully expect to find the date of the end of the world buried in this ordinance somewhere.

“All stores,” it says, “shall provide or make available to a customer only recyclable paper carryout bags or reusable bags for the purpose of carrying away goods or other materials from the point of sale.”

Or, presumably, for covering one’s head on a particularly bad hair day.

But wait, you say, the ordinance specifically ALLOWS the use of paper bags. Read on, my friend.

“Any store that provides a recyclable paper carryout bag to a customer must charge the customer 25 cents for each bag provided.”

Yes, 25 cents for something that’s not worth a nickel.

“No store shall rebate or otherwise reimburse a customer any portion of the 25-cent charge required.”

So now they’re telling Nugget and Safeway and all the rest of our grocers exactly what they must charge for an item and specifically prohibiting any rebates or other incentives to the customer.

So, if we end up with a majority of vegetarians on the council one day, presumably they will ban the sale of hamburger and bacon and chicken thighs in town. Or perhaps raise the price of chicken to $15 a pound so no one will buy it.

And here I thought price fixing was illegal.

“All stores must indicate on the customer receipt the number of recyclable paper carryout bags provided and the total amount charged for the bags.”

Big Brother is watching.

“All monies collected by a store under this chapter will be retained by the store and may be used only for any of the following purposes: 1) costs associated with complying with the requirements of this chapter; 2) actual costs of providing recyclable paper carryout bags; or 3) costs associated with a store’s educational materials or education campaign encouraging the use of reusable bags, if any.”

Futhermore, any monies collected by a store for the sale of chicken parts may be used only for educational materials provided by PETA concerning the ethics of eating chicken parts.

In the law, I think they call this “overreaching.”

“All stores must report to the director of public works, on a quarterly basis, the total number of recyclable paper carryout bags provided, the total amount of monies collected for providing recyclable paper carryout bags, and a summary of any efforts a store has undertaken to promote the use of reusable bags by customers in the prior quarter.”

I am not making this up.

Any store owner failing to report these totals will be publicly flogged and shamed during the public comment section of the City Council meeting falling on the first Tuesday following a full moon.

“Such reporting must be done on a form prescribed by the director of public works and must be signed by a responsible agent or officer of the store confirming that the information provided on the form is accurate and complete.”

If you like the notion of our local government being involved in every aspect of our personal grocery shopping lives, then kick this door wide open and let them have at it.

If not, it might be time to raise your voice in opposition.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected] Comment on this column at www.davisenterprise.com

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