One of the joys — and hazards — of living and working in the Second Most Educated City in America is that everyone has an opinion. And more often than not, there’s a Ph.D. or some other fancy set of initials to back up that opinion.

Sometimes those opinions end up in my mailbox. And, while the mail  always runs 100 to 1 in my favor — as Richard Nixon used to say — it still deserves an answer.

Writes Ray on the Eastside: “Dear Bob — I am really confused about this plastic bag ordinance after reading your articles in our very own newspaper. Does this mean that if I grab a box of Post Toasties, pay for it and leave the market, that I am in violation of our great city’s new proposed ordinance? If so, would it be appropriate for me to open the cardboard box of cereal and then proceed to open the plastic bag within the box, then empty the cereal back into the cardboard box, pay for it and then leave the market? I wonder, however, if store security would consider me tampering with the product or maybe even trying to consume it right in the store without paying for it. If this ordinance goes into effect, I am sure going to miss the checker at the check stand asking me ‘paper or plastic?’ “

Ray — To eliminate the many problems you describe, the new model in grocery shopping in Davis will be to buy no more food than you currently need to keep your pulse rate above 50. All food will be consumed in the store, on the spot, to eliminate the need for packaging or bagging of any kind. Customers will be weighed when they enter the store and again at checkout, paying so much per pound for their weight gain. (Public bathrooms will no longer be available.) If you really must have your Post Toasties, you’ll have to scoop them into your mouth with your bare hands from the giant bulk barrel in the “health food” section of your favorite grocery store. Yet another Davis grocery myth: if you scoop something out of giant barrels, by definition it’s good for you and good for the environment.

Writes Dennis in North, North Davis: Dear Bob — “Is this tag on the reusable cloth bag going to be like the one on my mattress that will get me thrown in jail if I remove it?”

Dennis — You are, no doubt, referring to the Ban the Bag ordinance that requires each reusable bag to have “a tag that is permanently affixed to the bag” that lists “the name of the manufacturer, the location (country) where the bag was manufactured, a statement that the bag does not contain lead, cadmium or any other heavy metal in toxic amounts, and the percentage of postconsumer recycled material used.” Please note the words “permanently affixed.” To answer your question, yes, you can get thrown in jail for removing it. In fact, you might get thrown in jail just for asking the question.

Writes Bill at ucdavis.edu: “Dear Bob — Will students still be allowed to drink 40s of Pabst Blue Ribbon out of plastic bags on Picnic Day?”

Bill — PBR has been specifically excluded from the ordinance. We don’t want to do anything to harm Davis’ reputation as a destination city for the party set.

Writes Don at hotmail.com: “Dear Bob – I need help figuring out a sign I saw last week. We may need to consult ‘Bobopedia.’ I pulled into the parking lot of the new Burger King in West Davis and the lot was full. The only vacant spot had a white sign with black letters that said ‘LEV Parking.” I really wanted a burger, so I asked myself what is a low emission vehicle? My car passed a smog test in December, so I guess I am legally below the limit for emissions set by the state. Then I saw a Honda that actually had a decal on the side window that said ‘LEV.’ That car was in a regular spot, so if the Honda had parked in the LEV spot, I could have been inside enjoying a Whopper. I was afraid to chance getting a ticket, or having my name announced at a City Council meeting, so I drove over to my mom and dad’s house nearby in West Davis and mooched a sandwich.”

Don — If your mom and dad are passing out sandwiches, please give me their address.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected].

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