I don’t know about you, but I suspect all this talk of forcing our water rates to a level higher than most mortgages in town is a diversionary tactic. We all know that Davis water tastes great — always has — and if we ever run out, there’s enough water stored in the Sierra until the day Harold Camping finally gets his prediction right.

Besides, our two new football stadiums in town — one at UCD and the other at DHS – both have artificial turf that doesn’t need watering at all. So our water needs have actually decreased over time.

The diversion is to get our minds off the proposed ban on plastic grocery bags, which was on the front burner until resident after resident came forward to register a protest. But now, with the populace consumed with fear over rising water rates, our city leaders may have decided the time to strike is now.

Given that there are any number of outlets in town where you can recycle plastic grocery bags — including the Major Minnesota Merchandiser — it’s a mystery to me why Davisites would drive all the way to the coast to deposit their leftover bags in the Pacific Ocean.

Apparently, though, to hear the Bag Banners tell it, that’s exactly what happens. Otherwise why the push to ban these handy items in a town that’s at least 50 miles from the nearest salt water?

Be that as it may, a kind friend sent me a story about plastic grocery bags that included a link to “Planet Green,” where I assumed there’d be another round of Bag-o-phobia. Was I ever in for a surprise. What I got instead of a lecture was a list of the 99 things you can do with a plastic bag once you’ve used it to bring your groceries home from the store. What a wonderful public service.

In fact, since the City Council seems to think we all need a little “education” on this issue, this could be the perfect tool. Hey, no need to ban the bag after all. Just publish this list of 99 uses and encourage people that once they’ve used up the bag’s 99 lives, simply put it in the plastic bag recycling bin at your favorite store.

That way, the folks who feel righteous superiority when they head into the grocery store with their reusable cloth bags will still be able to feel righteously superior. If you make everyone carry a reusable cloth bag, there will be no righteousness involved. It’ll simply be the law.

Suggestion No. 1 on the list of 99 is the best of all: “Take them back to the supermarket to bring home your next batch of groceries.” Now there’s a novel idea. The proposed Davis city ordinance, of course, would ban such a common-sense notion.

No. 7 says “Wrap one around each shoe to keep your entryway mud-free when coming inside on rainy days.” A good idea, to be sure, but probably not very practical in sunny California. I mean, when’s the last time you can remember it actually raining in Davis the first week of June?

No. 18, endorsed by both PG&E and SMUD, says to “Sew a fabric tube and stuff if with bags, then keep it next to exterior doors to stop drafts.” In no time at all, you and your family will be carbon-neutral.

According to No. 20, you can “Protect casts on broken bones from water in the shower or at the beach by wrapping and tying a bag around the plaster.” Now I ask you, who wants to deny someone with a broken bone the opportunity to take a shower or enjoy the beach?

No. 24 is a bit strange, recommending that you can “Fight dry skin by applying lotion to hands and then wrapping in bags to hold in the moisture.” My mom used to say there was no greater feeling than walking around all day with your hands wrapped up in plastic bags.

No. 36 says to “Wear bags as gloves to keep your hands clean when touching raw meat,” which, when combined with No. 24, is an ideal way to fight dry skin while preparing chicken.

No. 38 suggests that you “Use a clear bag to protect the pages of a cookbook while making splatter-prone food.” Better yet, save a bag by not using a cookbook at all, and save another bag by giving up splatter-prone food all summer long.

There are hundreds more — actually 61 more — but I’m going to wrap all those up in a plastic grocery bag and save them for a rainy day.

— Reach Bob Dunning at [email protected]

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