PURE, LUSCIOUS SACRAMENTO RIVER WATER … as the Great Water War of Words continues in anticipation of the Sept. 6 City Council showdown, a sobering paragraph appeared in a nearby newspaper … in writing about Jamie Patrick, a man who was attempting to swim a 111-mile stretch of the Sacramento River, the Bee’s very excellent Sam McManis noted that Patrick had decided to wear a wet suit … wrote McManis: “He says medical advisers recommended it because pollutants from agricultural runoff and urban waste might be harmful.” … but wait, there’s more … added McManis: “Patrick said that after a 20-mile training swim sans wet suit, he emerged with a skin rash.” …

Not to worry, fellow Davisites, when we begin to pay four times the current price for our new-and-improved Sacramento River water, every city bill will come with a free tube of Desenex and a printed warning that states “Davis residents are advised to wear wet suits when drinking water from our new third-of-a-billion-dollar water system. Not recommended for children under age 6.” … Sacramento River water, pure as the driven snow … Sacramento River water, coming soon to a faucet near you …

CITY OF DAVIS SITTING “ON THE MONEY” … Channel 13’s talented financial reporter Mike Luery is back tonight (6 and 10 p.m.) with another “On the Money” report about our beloved hometown … according to Luery, the city of Davis is sitting on “thousands of dollars” of unclaimed funds, but claims it has been unable to locate the organizations the money is owed to … yep, you guessed it — it took Luery about five minutes to find some of them, raising serious questions about how hard the city is trying to find these folks … whether the “Dunning Family Mortgage” is one of the organizations involved remains to be seen …

BAN BOORS, NOT BAGS … my friend Barbara at hotmail.com has just about had it with litter in this town … commenting on the “misery” of looking at all the litter trapped alone the fence near East Covell and Pole Line, Barbara wisely notes: “Banning bags will not eliminate sloppy behavior.” … it’s more than sloppy, Barbara, it’s criminal … and yet in this well-educated town of ours, litterbugs abound … just check around you after the Fourth of July in Community Park or Picnic Day or an Aggie football game and you’ll find plenty of garbage that could just as easily have gone into a nearby trash can …

Barbara reports she was in Nugget the other day when “a young boy, maybe 7 or 8,” unwrapped a candy bar and let the wrapper glide to the ground with his mother watching and not raising a finger … springing into action to save the planet, Barbara says she “glared at him and he picked up the wrapper.” … I think the city should put Barbara on the payroll … and I can tell you this: if I had ever done in front of my dad what that kid did in front of his mom, I wouldn’t have seen another candy bar for a long, long time …

HOLD THAT POSE … rumor has it that several rough-and-ready Aggie football players have been seen working out in the 105-degree heat at Bikram Yoga Davis along L Street … a good thing, too, since in a little more than a week the Aggies open the season with a Hot August Night game against the Arizona State Sun Devils in blistering Tempe … according to reliable sources (the proprietor of Bikram Yoga Davis is the offspring of the Above-Pictured Columnist), to a man, the Aggies reported that Bikram Yoga was 10 times more difficult than any UC Davis football practice …

— Entries to the Contest to Replace the Above-Pictured Columnist are due by Friday, Aug. 26. Entries may be about any subject and should be between 400 and 800 words in length. Email entries to [email protected] and include both daytime and evening phone numbers and a brief biography.

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